Pole Position with Ronnie Jaws

Once again, the smoke has cleared, and two teams are set to square off in the culmination of a hard-fought season. And you know what that means: we're only days away from another exciting year of Arena Football.

Why my network refuses to give this league year-round coverage will remain one of life's great mysteries, along with creationism and why Japanese girls on subways never fight back.

By now you've noticed that Tom Brady was wearing a protective boot last week to protect the right ankle he injured during the AFC Championship. An injury to the plant leg can be absolutely devestating to a player not only at the quarterback position, but also the suspended congress position and the doggy-style position.

I've studied film on Brady and have noticed that such an injury can hurt the timing of his release point, and will limit his control of any significant output. There's a good chance things will blow up in his face if he's not careful. He'll have to warm up extensively, but once the lights go on and gets that first shot out of the way, he can settle into a rhythm and distribute like a 19-year-old guard in a maximum-security juvy girls' penitentiary.

Ben Roethlisberger's comments about wanting the Steelers to find a tall wide receiver are a cruel reminder that SIZE DOES MATTER in the National Football League. Hines Ward could not have been pleased to hear the dissatisfaction of his quarterback, but this is the NFL, not Seoul House Restaurant on James Swart Circle, and Ward has to do more than regulary refill empty water glasses and memorize menu items by their coded letter-number combination. He's gotta perform in the red zone and bring that fortune cookie to his quarterback's table, or else it's ahn nyung hee ke se yo for this not young slant-eyed homo.

If there's one thing more homosexual than my choice of eyewear, it's baseball season. ESPN's own Pedro Gomez is gearing up for another year of covering the sport for the worldwide leader. I've been visiting Mr. Gomez on occasion, and I have yet to see him breaking down game film or studying the tendencies of the so-called athletes that he allegedly covers. This is conclusive evidence that Pedro Gomez is an illegal alien and must be deported immediately.

I've set up a makeshift 13-camera closed-circuit television system around his home, office, and La Bamba's. I'll be studying his tendencies, day after day, night after night, until I can find just the right opening to deliver a 25-yard toss of justice to my associates at The United States Immigration and Naturalization Service.

If Dana Jacobson needs a stripper pole for her Super Bowl party, maybe she should try this Pole. Heh. See? That's funny because I'm Polish... Eh. Okay. I guess ethnic humor doesn't work these days.